Pants On Fire…. And I have proof!

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In my past relationship, I could have taught Mr. Holmes a thing or two about investigating.  No polygraph needed, I learned to see straight through a lie.  No case went cold, and no stone left unturned.

Having been dumb enough to stay with a compulsive liar / habitual cheater, I know there is no such thing as light at the end of the tunnel.  (If you think you see light, check again.  It is probably just the Heartbreak Freight Train barreling toward you, what is sure to be an inevitable head on collision.)

Even IF Mr. Wrong CLAIMS to clean up his act know this… A subconscious can forgive but will never forget.  Questioning every text message, each move on social media, phone calls, and hours spent unaccounted for is enough to drive any girl insane.  Snooping becomes a skill and no account is un-hackable.  It will consume you and soon you will be giving Angelina a run for her money in Girl Interrupted.

Public Advisory:: DO NOT let yourself become that person!!!

All bad relationships come to an end.  And that is the truth!  After a year of self-reflection and single lady shenanigans I was able to reevaluate my worth and move forward with a fresh outlook.  Having found a wonderful man who cares about me to the point of selflessness.  I have zero temptation to check his phone, email, or social networks.  If something bothers me, I ask.  In return, I am given an honest answer.  Luckily I know not to ruin a good thing with scars from the past.  I am able to give 100% of my trust, and it is wonderful.

Its cool Sherlock, take back the magnifying glass and your bloody hounds.  I am no longer in need 😉

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But I’m taking birth control for you!

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I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months now.  He is perfect.  Handsome, funny, thoughtful, kind, the list goes on.  Back off ladies.  But I have a dilemma.  How do grown ups know when they are official?  In school it was easy.  Pass a note to your crush: “Will you be my girlfriend, check Yes or No”.

Is that acceptable for people in their mid-20s?!  Life would be simpler.  We go on dates, now have mutual friends.  He bought me hair ties to keep at his place.  He has a toothbrush at mine.  We are not hooking up with other people (as far as i know!?)

We even had the Birth Control conversation.

Side Note:: Birth Control makes me crazy. After being on the pill for 3 years, I stopped taking it all together about a year ago.  Gave it a quick second try 6 months into my protest.  I only lasted 2 more days before i pitched the rest of my prescription.  Here is why. Went out to eat, sushi with the girls.  Our server took our order and about 15 minutes later we saw our sushi, in all of it’s glory, sitting in the window to be ran.  I used to be a server myself so i am usually extremely patient.  Not this time.  I felt my blood rising as our server walked right by our order not once, but twice.  When the food finally came i was short and rude.  It was a defense to keep myself from having a complete sushi meltdown in public.  When the server left our table, my friends were looking at me as if i was an alien impostor dwelling in the human shell formally known as their best friend.  I don’t blame them!  I was nuts.

Well, for Mr. Right I am back on the BC wagon.  Not sure if im happy about it, but I do feel like this is one step in the mature relationship direction i am obligated to take.

All Im saying, if we dont work out – Then this birth control hormonal bullshit is for the birds and out the window.  How ironic would it be if he broke up with me for being a moody bitch (common side effect of popping that little pill daily)?!  “But Im taking birth control for you!”, i would scream in vain.

Dos and Don’ts of Dating in Your Mid 20’s

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Lasting relationships between couples who met at a young age are becoming few and far between.  It does happen, but most of us in our 20’s are still figuring it out.  I am stuck between too old for dead end relationships and too young for the “M” word (don’t make me say it! Dun Dun Dunnnnn: Marriage).  At the ripe old age of 25, I won’t pretend I have it all figured out; however, I am willing to share a few things I have learned along the way…

Dos and Dont’s of Dating in your mid 20’s:

-DON’T sell yourself short.  Turning 25 does not mean date the next guy who compliments you at the bar or the creeper who asks you out via Facebook.  Just because you haven’t met Mr. Right yet, does not mean the ship has sailed.  Chances are you are hotter now than you have ever been, or will ever be again.  It took me a quarter of a century, but I have finally figured out how to manage my unruly hair and realize bronzer/self-tanners should be used in small doses.

Your clock is not ticking, despite what your nagging mother may have to say about it.  If she’s ready for grandchildren, just remind her having grandchildren means she is old.  I’m sure that can buy you a few more years.

-DO use condoms/Birth Control. No one is pretending to actually like condoms.  I would be a liar to say sex does not feel better without them.  But let’s face a cold hard truth: Boys are gross.  They will have sex with ANYTHING.  Until you have established trust and exclusivity then your mantra should be “No Glove, No Love”.

I am too old to worry every month of my sexually active life if I am prego.  Ladies, so are you.  Fellas, you may not worry about the “I’m Late” phone call until it happens.  I promise you she is not talking about being late for your dinner date (Which is probably now canceled.  You are going to have to save that cash for diapers!)

DON’T meet someone on Tinder.  Just don’t.  It creeps me out.  Stranger danger!  I think Tinder is a great start to this week’s next episode of Criminal Minds.  You will get abducted and you will die.

-DO be open to options outside of your “type”.  We all have a type.  Those characteristics which initially attract us to an individual we do not know.  At 25 I realized my “type” got me into trouble!  Boys with asshole tendencies, motorcycles and tattoos really rev my engine (too corny?), but don’t make the best boyfriends.  They’re free spirits baaaaaby, it comes with the appeal.

I have recently started seeing this guy who is SO FAR from my type.  He is nice, he is an attorney, he takes me on dates, he fits right in with all my friends, we have so much in common, he likes to read, he enjoys running, he owns dress pants.  I know I know, he sounds perfect.  And he is.  Actually liking someone I could have a lasting healthy relationship with is new to me.

We met through mutual friends.  He asked for my number 3 or 4 times throughout the course of the night, finally not taking no for an answer.  He invited me to dinner the next night.  I was talking myself out of going with every excuse I could come up with: he could be a rapist, he was wearing a button down dress shirt when we met, I should put my clean laundry away, ect….  My best friend intervened.  She promised me if I didn’t have a good time, then she would never make me go on another date again.  Convinced I was going to have a terrible, boring time I agreed.  Boy, was I going to teach her a lesson!

Oh the irony.  We went to dinner at this swanky restaurant, the kind of place that doesn’t list prices on their menu.  We laughed, had great conversation and lost track of time. Hours later we decided to continue our date with a walk around The Queen city.

Now, I am totally in like with him and the more we get to know each other the better it gets!

-DON’T pretend.  If you like football, great.  If you love to read, awesome.  If you are a super smart science geek, talk nerdy to me! Thanks to Big Bang Theory, it is totally acceptable.  However, if you do not have a passion for those things, don’t act like you do to impress someone.  Pretending to enjoy things you have no interest in will only lead to enduring things you don’t want to do, while being forced to act as if you are happy about it.

Same goes for sex.  If you are not having fun doing the dirty, don’t pretend.  Be open about what you like and don’t like.  The last thing I want to happen is find myself falling in like with someone who thinks I get pleasure from his thumb up my butt.  I’m sure some people love thumb butt sex.  I am not one of them.  Life is too short to fake orgasms.  (<——- bumper sticker that!)

-DON’T date your best friend. I’m not saying it cant work.  If they are your best friend, you obviously have a lot in common.  The sexual attraction may even be there.  But that does not mean they are the one.  Some friends date and their friendship is lucky enough to survive when it doesn’t work out.  It is a beautiful thing when a guy and girl can be best friends and nothing more.  Cherish that.  Don’t fuck it up with sex.

Heartbreak Hangover: I would rather fall down a flight of stairs than “fall in like” with someone.

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Never take advice on relationships from single friends.  But what single girl can stomach the advice she gets from happy couples?

“Honesty, trust and communication are the fundamental keys to a successful relationship”…they say

“Forgiveness and respect are the building blocks of love”… they say

“There are other fish in the sea, don’t settle, you deserve better”…. they say

Bullshit… I say.

While their advice is full of rainbows and butterflies, packed with unicorns and glitter, I prefer to turn to my single friends and alcohol.  Meeting someone and falling in like is the most complicated process ever.  I blame Nicholas Sparks: Romance as seen on TV is NOTHING like what real people face.  I gave up searching for my Romeo a few heartbreaks ago.  I would rather shack up with Daryl Dixon any day, even if it means facing the zombie apocalypse and the eminent doom of being eaten alive.

Now that is my idea of Prince Charming.  Cinderella had it ALL wrong.

Now that is my idea of Prince Charming. Cinderella had it ALL wrong.

My very single best friend Blair has been holding on to love for an old college boyfriend.  They have been broken up for years now, but when she visits Raleigh she always meets up with him.  Matt hasn’t held her back from other boyfriends and flings, but Blair can’t let him go because of the way they seamlessly pick up where they left off on their weekends reunited.  A connection of such caliber is RARE right!?  Each time Blair hits the road back home she knows there will always be next time.  Until now.

Matt recently enlisted into the Marines.  After MUCH deliberation, Blair packed her bags for the weekend and hit the road to Raleigh.  With the window of opportunity to express her feelings coming to a close, she knew it was now or never.

Hopes were high as her weekend with Matt fell into place perfectly.  He text her first knowing she was in town (what girl doesn’t LOVE being text first!?!?!).  Matt met her out at the bar where she was with friends.  He asked her back to his place.  They talked for hours.  They had amazing sex.  And continued to talk more.

“Matt, do you know why I will worry about you while you are away”, Blair finally had enough liquid courage to ask.

” I know why.  Because you love me”

YES this was it, she thought!  Blair didn’t even have to say it, he already knew.  Why had she waited to tell him!?  This was perfect!  She paused long enough, with hopes soaring even higher, to enjoy the moment when Matt said it back.  Only… That moment never came.

Matt explained to Blair he had strong feelings for her, but he was still in love with his EX girlfriend.  Who he has not spoke a single word to in a year.

Blair’s options:::

Cry like a baby and leave.  Share a cardboard box with a bum and sleep on the street because she was too drunk to make the 3 hour drive home.

OR

Suck it up, hold back the tears and pretend to sleep.

She went with the second option.  But as Matt continued to ramble on and on about his ex girlfriend, the bum on the street was looking more appealing.  Matt suffered from severe word vomit that night.  Once he opened his mouth about his ex, he couldn’t stop.

Blair suffered from severe real vomit the next day – Heartbreak hang over.

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The same weekend Blair’s heart was dropped kicked across the state of North Carolina, I too was unknowingly facing disappointment.

SIDE NOTE::  Girls know when they are dealing with assholes.  An asshole will never hurt my feelings.  I may choose to hang out and hook up with a boy well aware it will go no where.  I can gladly accept that and proceed with out fear or hesitation.  True caution should be taken if you find yourself getting your hopes up for a guys potential.

I have known this guy for a while.  Brad and I have a lot of mutual friends and know each other very well outside of hooking up.  We started hanging out around the new year.  Many nights were spent together without getting physical, but the attraction was obviously there.

Finally I gave in to the sexual tension.  Fuck it, I’m not hooking up with anyone else, he says hes not hooking up with anyone else.  And it was GREAT.  Everything I could have hoped for.  We started to hang out more.  We started to hang out alone.  We started to hang out sober, alone and running errands together.  Grocery shopping, shopping for house furnishings, we hung curtains together.  While this friendship/sexship continued to evolve, Brad kept mentioning my need for a house key.  I would shrug off the comments.  What guy in his right mind gives a girl a key to his house… Unless he is serious.

When a guy gives a girl a key to his house it means:

– I have nothing to hide

– I want you here

– Come and go as you please

Not wanting to get my hopes up, I never brought up the key subject.  Then it happened.  One day he just handed me a key.  It was even cut in a cute girly design.

I have 2 opposite, yet equally bad, habits.  I either extremely over think a situation, or I extremely under think a situation.  But not this time.  I did not let my brain get the best of me.

Early this week I was out and about on my lunch break.  Brad’s house is in the area and he has been working VERY long days.  He has a large dog who starts to eat door knobs, table legs and floor when he is cooped up too long.  Brad has asked me on a few occasions “If you’re in the area and don’t mind letting Blue out.”  I thought “I have time today, I’ll swing by so Blue can run around for a few.”  How nice am I!?  SOOO nice.  Spending my lunch break with your damn dog.

I called Brad when I got to the house to tell him his front door was unlocked!  Strange!  He was weird on the phone when I told him I was at the house with Blue.  Hmmm… Never got weird before?  Always thanked and thanked me?… Oh well, Maybe he was having a bad day at work and had to go quick.  Boy, do I know how that is.

My contact had been bothering me all day.  I went up to Brad’s bathroom hoping to find the contact solution I needed to save it.  Nothing worse than rocking one contact when you are as blind as I am.  Unfortunately, I did not find the contact solution I needed and had to toss my bad contact.  However, even with only one good eye I still managed to see the used CONDOM in the bathroom trashcan.

When i left his house, I left the key on the counter top and locked the door behind me.

And so upon our reunion last night, Blair and I drank.  Cheers to Heartbreak Hangover.

R.I.P to relationships – We are so much cooler online

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My generation will be the last to remember the nerve racking feeling of calling a crush on their home phone, praying to the adolescent gods their parents don’t answer.  My generation will be the last to remember the significance of each text message sent and received, because texting plans were new and very limited.

“Text messages?  Why should I pay an extra $10.00 a month for you to pass a note through your phone.  Just call them”, my dad used to say.  Again, leaving me faced the risky reality of please-dont-let-your-parents-answer-my-call roulette.

I come from a relatively small town.  There were a handful of high schools in the area.  After graduating, a lot of kids head off to college, and in time most migrate back.  Through the growth of social networking, there is a general population in my age group who know of each other (mostly without actually knowing anything about each other)

On many occasions I have been out and crossed paths with people I “know of” – Either nodding my way through awkward pleasantries, or returning the favor of zero acknowledgement from the other person.

Thinks to self:: “You favorite my tweet from across the bar, but can’t say hello?”

As a single girl in my mid 20’s, I am starting to miss the butterflies as a result of real time interactions with the opposite sex.  There is ZERO romance in casually playing off eye contact, then Facebook messaging me the next morning.

Actual Facebook message from boy to chicken shit to talk to me…

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:::Name and picture have been altered to save whatever ounce of dignity this guy has left.  On that note, his man card has definitely been revoked in my book.:::  Hey, at least he had the decency to ask if I had a boyfriend.  At this rate, that question is becoming rhetorical.  Bahah, Boyfriend!?  With your inbox maybe….  Is it just me, or did that sound naughty?

I understand a lot of girls are bitches.  They go out to flirt for drinks, they shoot down compliments and label men as “thirsty” (Please, do not judge me for the use of “thirsty”.  I see condescending females referencing guys as “thirsty” on twitter – Eeeeeeeven though, in my opinion, these said females seem to be “thirsty” for the attention.  BUT that is another rant I shall save for another time).  With that being said, I still am a firm believer in human interaction upon meeting.  Sure guys, you may strike out or get shot down.  GOOD!  Then you know that girl is NOT worth your time.

I am not conceited enough to think every guy who approaches me is hitting on me, unlike the Lily Pulitzer wearing trophy wife social snob wanna bes mention in paragraph above (Disclaimer: Im not judging Lily, I have a Lily Pulitzer planner for work that I could not live without.  The bright colors are fun, and it keeps me organized. That reference is simply for picture painting purposes).  However, I am saying facebook, twitter, instagram, text messages ect have made meeting new people really LAME.

One bright side to social media, I can confirm the next day if my beer goggles were misleading me.